Euro-Rounders
Just bringing back a classic. If you’ve never seen Rounders, or never played PLO, or don’t understand that all Europeans play is PLO, then this won’t be as funny.
I did not write this. Enjoy.
EuroRounders
Michel (voiceover): “If you can’t find the boorish American hold’em player at the table within half an hour, you are the boorish American hold’em player.”
—–
TITLE/CREDITS. This entire movie is in black and white, with subtitles.
—–
Michel (voiceover): “This game is really scummy, and well above what I can afford to play. My entire bankroll is riding on this one session going well. This is Teddy CIA’s place, where they only play Pot Limit Omaha, the most sophisticated game in Europe.”
- Michel knocks on the window -
Teddy CIA: “You want poker, or whore?”
Michel: “Poker. Give me three stacks of high, elitist society.”
—–
Michel: “I raise.”
Teddy CIA: “It’s a position raise. I call.”
- The flop comes 5-7-A, with two diamonds -
Michel: “I bet the pot.”
Teddy CIA: “I raise the pot.”
Michel: “I reraise the pot.”
Teddy CIA: “I reraise the pot.”
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel (voiceover): “I sit back and think. I have three aces – the best possible hand. I want him to think I’m debating a call, but really I’m just thinking about Monte Carlo, and whatever the [censored] is in Monte Carlo.”
Michel: *shrugs* “Okay, well, I re-pot it, I’m all in, because I don’t think you have a pair.” *winks at the camera*
Teddy CIA: “Who are you winking at? It doesn’t matter, I call.”
Michel (voiceover): “I know before he even says it.”
Teddy CIA: “I have 8-6-4-3 with two diamonds, for a wrap straight draw and a flush draw, which is a favorite over your top set.”
- Turn is a King. River is a 2 which gives Teddy CIA an ace-to-five straight for the win. -
- Michel sits there, shell-shocked. -
Joey Croissant: “Come on, I’ll get you a whore.”
—–
Michel (voiceover): “Well, that sucked. Since then, I’ve sworn off of poker and made my living as a roadside prostitute for boorish American tourists. Hopefully, I can pay my way through law school that way. I can always find games, though. I could turn this truck onto the road and be at the Taj in 19 and a half hours.”
—–
Michel (voiceover): “I’m here to pick my friend Worm up from prison.”
- Worm walks out of prison -
Michel: “Worm! It’s wonderful to see you!”
- They kiss each other passionately on the mouth -
Michel: “How was prison?”
Worm: “I was brutally sodomized on a regular basis.”
—–
Michel: “Look…Croissant, I never told you this, but about a year ago, I was playing poker at the Casino des Atlantes, and Marcel Luske walks in. He sits down at the 50/100 pot limit game. And, I mean, the whole place stops, right? Just watching this guy play. After a while there isn’t a retarded European gambling game going, because everybody’s just, you know, watching this guy.”
- Joey Croissant nods -
Michel: “So you know what I did? I sat down.”
Joey Croissant: “No way, you need at least 300,000 euros to sit down at a game like that. Such bad financial management is typical of a boorish American!”
- Joey Croissant and Michel laugh for twenty-six minutes -
Michel: “Right, okay, but seriously, I played for an hour, doing nothing but folding. Then I won a huge pot.”
Joey Croissant: “Aces? Kings? Ace-King doublesuited? Suited aces? High connectors? Middle doublesuited connectors? Two big pair?”
Michel: “Rags.”
Joey Croissant: “That’s probably fine too, you’re only like a 48/52 dog.”
Michel: “I raised. And he came over the top of me, like I was a boorish American. I re-popped it. He potted it again. I think for like two seconds and then I re-pot it.”
Joey Croissant: “Jesus Fucking Christ, how much money did you have?”
Michel: “After I bet I would quietly slide my chips back toward my stack, nobody noticed. Anyway, he thinks for a while, looks at me, checks his cards again, and he mucks. I take it down. And then he looks at me and says, ‘I have to know. Did you have it?’ And I said, ‘I’m sorry Marcel, I can’t remember.’”
Joey Croissant: “Face!”
Michel: “I know, totally. Anyway, based on that one hand, I felt confident gambling for all the money I had, at one time.”
—–
Law Professor: “I am a Jew.”
Michel: “I hate you.”
—–
Teddy CIA: “We play, heads up, Pot Limit Omaha, 25 and 50 blinds, until one of us has it all?”
Michel: “Out of sheer curiosity, you realize you’re giving up like boat loads of equity by agreeing to gamble for money that’s effectively yours anyway, right? That you could just not let me play, and then kill me and take what I have?”
Teddy CIA: “I know, but I am a boorish American!”
- Michel and Teddy CIA laugh for seventy-two minutes -
—–
Michel (voiceover): “I pick up Ace-Ace-Jack-Ten doublesuited.”
Michel: “I raise the pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Very aggressive. But, I reraise the pot.”
Michael (voiceover): “He’s representing Ace-Ace-King-King doublesuited, the only hand better than mine. I can’t call, and give him a chance to catch. I can only fold…if I believe him.”
Michel: “I reraise, I’m all in.”
Teddy CIA: “Take it down.”
—–
- The flop reads 10-9-5, with two spades -
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel: “Pot.”
Teddy CIA: “Pot.”
Michel: “Pot. I’m all in.”
Teddy CIA: “Alright, I call. What do you have?”
Michel: “Jack high flush draw and middle set.”
Teddy CIA: “Wrap, with a king high flush draw.”
Michel: “Boy, I sure hope my 5:4 edge holds up, otherwise I am going to die.”
- Turn is an off-suit 5, giving Michel an unbeatable hand. But the river is the ace of spades anyway, because it’s always the fucking ace of spades. -
Teddy CIA: “He beat me. Pay that man his money. His silly, silly-looking European money.”
—–
Cab Driver: “Where are you off to?”
Michel: “Monte Carlo.”
Cab Driver: “Good luck.”
Michel: “Shut the fuck up.”
Comments Off | Poker
